Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

Best seat on the street 😍

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

To me, being Single means never having to apologize..

Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

God: You found the Holy Grail!

Me: cool, what does it do?

God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.

Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.

God: you don’t want eternal li-

Me: I said pass.

9: Mommy can I have a treat?

Me: It’s close to bedtime so no

9: A tiny piece?

Me: No

9: A molecule? An atom?!

Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino

9: Is that a donut?

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.

We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

My 8yo made breakfast* for himself and his younger brother, and I’m so proud

*opened popsicles

😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”