Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Happy Caturday!
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.