Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I can’t deal with men any longer
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.