Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying

No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body

I am all good here, 😂😉

my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?

Me: …hiss like a cat?

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.