Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Wedding planning is organized crime.