Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…

You can’t have it both ways mate

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

time traveler: i love your volcano

pompeiian: our what?

time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

New skill unlocked

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.

i will not be silenced

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.