Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
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boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me if I was a dog
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”