Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*