Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
😭😭😭
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
real
Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.