Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …