Go to drunk, you’re bed.
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I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
#Caturday
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
first you must answer his riddles
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.