Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.

My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.

Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?

Me: my children, now give me the ring

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.

[Pre-School pick up]

Wife: what did you learn today?

Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.

Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.

Daughter: snakes got no legs.

Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.