Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
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Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My friend is an excellent librarian.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
SF is the wild wild west man
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?