Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia

My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.

my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”

Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.

You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

This is the coolest video you will see today.

Motives for murder:

1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring

You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.

me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining

agent: what’s it called

me: Actually Love

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies

me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

Squirrel Thoughts

They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.