“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
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Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
just gave your address to some spiders
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
feetloaf
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.