Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”

Me, “Please…I have a family.”

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

❤️🦆

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!