“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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Found something new to say when I leave a room.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door