“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
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[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
When someone trying to leave me
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
if a cop pulls u over play dead
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
