Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think both sides are to blame here

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

Roombas should bark

“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”

DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.

BARTENDER: Olive or twist?

DICKENS: *looks into camera*

Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores

I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Her: I heard you like to break the rules

Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.