Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*

WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots