Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle