Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂