Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
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there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED