Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
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Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.