Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
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dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
That eye roll….
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad