@iGreenMonk

Go to work tomorrow with a new attitude.

Be positive!

Communicate!

Hide when real work comes!

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@victorlavalle

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

@daemonic3

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

@JessiCanadian

8 teens in the the garage. I hear the miter saw and drill going. I’m just going to sit back and let Darwin take care of things in there.

@iwearaonesie

9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this

@samfromks

Her: What veggies are the kids having with dinner?

Me: (Smacking the bottom of a ketchup bottle) Fresh Tomatoes…

@Marlebean

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

@Pro_Jones_

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

@unravelingfire

If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.

@Kateness8

Me: *points at romantic relationships*

God: *slaps my hand* NO

@SortaBad

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely