It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
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“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Body by Oreos
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?