Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.

Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:

1. I get distracted.

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT

I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.

Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

My reactions

1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.