‘go with the flow’ i tell myself as i tumble down the stairs
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What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Sending in my taxes
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Me when my alarm goes off
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog