‘go with the flow’ i tell myself as i tumble down the stairs
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One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Who says great literature is dead?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.