Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
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Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
orange cat behavior
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I love texting my boyfriend
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???