[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
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I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Ok, but like, how married are you?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.