Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds

Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”