Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex

Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.

She’ll find love in another man.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.

I would like you to meet my significant other. Her name is Cheese.

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?

Lmao 😁

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too