goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Put a ring on it
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.