Clean up
Hang w/ kids
Get organized
Respond to emails
Return calls

Wrote this
About to nap

You Might Also Like


Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy


disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great


“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently


[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!


He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”


I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.


Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.


Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.


You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?


“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.