@JimGaffigan

GOALS FOR MORNING:
Run
Clean up
Hang w/ kids
Workout
Write
Get organized
Respond to emails
Return calls

SO FAR:
Wrote this
About to nap

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@AndyRichter

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

@punished_picnic

disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great

@robfee

“Give me the best quality TV commercial I can get for $57!”
-Every attorney apparently

@TheToddWilliams

[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!

@BriarSly

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

@TheSuccuBish

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

@HomeProbably

Stranger danger is a very real thing.

They nearly always react badly to proposals.

@WheelTod

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

@mermaidsluvwine

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

@rickygervais

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.