“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Why soy sad?
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER