Goat cheese is for herders.
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Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security