Goat cheese is for herders.
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Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Baller is short for ballerina
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
He’s dead
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.