Goat cheese is for herders.
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Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience