Goat cheese is for herders.
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dril cadence
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
We found love in a hopeless place.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day