Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

BOSS: Can I see you in my office?

INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.

I’ve been off for 6 days. I’m afraid I’m too feral to go back to work.

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

I’ve had worse

[interview at bank]

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber

Interviewer: what

Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is

My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.

Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.

waiter: our special is only $7.99

mechanic: i’m a mechanic.

[seconds later]

waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.

mechanic: that’s too much.

waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.

CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔