Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
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Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
Squirrels before girls.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!