Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

“No!”

-An A to Z guide to parenting.

Put my back out twerking in the library again

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.

I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

[office]

ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.