*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
🧠
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.