*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
You Might Also Like
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.