Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
You Might Also Like
😂 amazing answer
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
