Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
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I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
It kinda feels like this rn
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*