Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
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Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
iPhone X
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”