Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
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I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Good for him.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”