Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

You’ve got some nerve

~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window

*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

I have so many questions.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.

*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*

*starts adding ice to my wine*

When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.

“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”

– People who haven’t met me yet

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.