Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

My diet was going really well until I woke up.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

*[At the dinner table]*

“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!

Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.

*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.

~Wine tasting, you pervs!

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are