Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
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One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.