Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
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do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I was enjoying listening to this barista loudly roast every customer to her coworker as they exited until she referred to “the old guy” who was clearly my age.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
when someone rings the doorbell
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!