Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
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Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.