Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.

My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”

So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

This kinda thing happens to me often

I’ll be mad as hell!

me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!

fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires

me: ok gimme a sec

I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

ㅤ

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

when your wife asks about the texts from Marie

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

vampire waiter: would you like to order?

customer: I’ll have a steak

vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?

Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor

[reading The Night Before Christmas]

son: what’s a kerchief?

daughter: what’s a clatter?

son: what’s a sash?

daughter: what are coursers?

son: what’s soot?

daughter: what’s a peddler?

son: what’s a thistle?

me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.

[first date]

Me: I don’t like flowers

Her: orchids?

Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family

We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.

“Bear with me”

-A Russian bear trainer

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.