Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

me: how much for the funny smelling spray?

employee: perfume?

me: no, the whole bottle

Cinematography is my passion

My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me

Toxic snake

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.

How is that even science fiction?

They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”

[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.

[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”