Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore

Me: Not this crap again, Brenda

Wife: That’s not my name

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips

WIFE: What are you doing?

ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?

ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?

Most Common Source of Electricity

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.