Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

journal

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

At least when I talk to myself here, people don’t look at me funny.

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?

Me: Ye-

Husband: NO MORE BABIES.

Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.

I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break