God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
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Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you…
I had a tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
water it, i dare you
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Thursday Thought.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.