Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

good let them take over I have had enough

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

life finds a way

Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.

There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

This squirrel eats better than I do

Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!

Me: You’re right. *walks away*

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list

takes a bite

Removes it from my grocery list

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.