God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
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Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
dads on road-trips be like
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.