God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
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No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS