Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mind: You’re 18…

My body: …minutes from death.

Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?

Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.

Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.

When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.

6YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.

what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Mario: can I buy you a drink?

Peach: ew get a life

Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

I’m already scared