God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
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A lot of folks out there missing the point…
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
