Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.

Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?

ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*

“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”

*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*

“Oh.”

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo