Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

Me: [Walks into kitchen]

[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]

Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.

Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.

(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

Want followers? Tweet something funny.

Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.

Can’t say anything honest or funny?

Try Facebook.

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

“You’re so funny!”

Thanks, I didn’t get laid in high school.🤘

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

I like donuts.

Twitter:

me: *vacuums up ant*

ant: oh no

me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*

ant: oh wait

According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

“Failure is how you grow.”

– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.