God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

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One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!


Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.



Me: Well, obviously.


Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit


Oh, you’re an early riser?
Have kids?
A farm?
Medical condition?


[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no


This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What’s your name? What’s your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?


My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.


Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.

Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?

Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man


If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.