God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

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[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?


Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.


Give a man a compliment & he’ll be all, “Yeah, I’ve been working out.” Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he’ll be all, “I feel SO fat.”


the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake


My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.


Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?


I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.


“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots


People who take things literally on twitter, stop.

Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.