@climaxximus
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
@MelvinofYork
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
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@climaxximus
@Severnjaca
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
@RorynotRoy
Give a man a compliment & he’ll be all, “Yeah, I’ve been working out.” Teach a man to fish for a compliment & he’ll be all, “I feel SO fat.”
@YuckyTom
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
@JimmerThatisAll
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
@mommajessiec
My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.
@Daveastated
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
@StillOnTheMoors
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
@robfee
“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots
@Easy_Tiger__
People who take things literally on twitter, stop.
Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.