God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
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How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”