@MelvinofYork
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
@Alohababe2011
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
@XplodingUnicorn
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
@Spaziotwat
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
@ArfMeasures
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
@YesThatAmy
This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What’s your name? What’s your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?
@Mish3l_Ali
My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.
@bewgtweets
Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.
Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?
Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man
@stonecold2050
My husband found another tasty treat at the market.
Yum…People Meat!
@Darlainky
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.