@MelvinofYork

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

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@Alohababe2011

One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

@Spaziotwat

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

@ArfMeasures

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

@YesThatAmy

This chick at Walgreens is totally hitting on me. What’s your name? What’s your address? Do you have any questions for the pharmacist?

@Mish3l_Ali

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

@bewgtweets

Me: it should be called a “some of the things” bagel.

Cashier: because it doesn’t have raisins, or cinnamon?

Me: I was going to say because it doesn’t have love but holy shit man

@Darlainky

If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.