god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars