Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!

H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.

M: I BROKE A NAIL!

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”

Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

[at the general store]

me: one general please

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

awkward

Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.

Cheers!