god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!