Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

pelicons

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.

[science fair]

Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner

Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest