Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

“just sayin” who asked you though?

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.

oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house

Open for business, 24/7

~my stomach

2022 be like

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

interviewer: questions about the job?

me: how can I get suspended with pay