God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
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Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩