Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.

today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

😭😭

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?