God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
You Might Also Like
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
the three genders
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life